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It's like self-destructive... but the other thing

The last few weeks have been tough. I have missed quite a few meetings at the local hall, at first out of fear of crowds, but in the end it really boils down to my total unwillingness to have any level of intimacy with people I cannot maintain a social bond with. In just a few weeks, I will be going to Texas, and there I will restart school; new surroundings, new friends, and a new hall to get to know.

I never realized it, but I filter who are my friends very carefully. A huge impact follows the choices of people we invest in knowing. And I need months to do the process any justice, months I simply do not have here.

I'm not even sure I will go to the meeting in the morning. The social terror of having not gone for over a week will no doubt overtake me; just the idea of not worrying about it and not going so I don't have to worry about it makes me feel better. Just as the first meeting I missed.

I know this will not be a problem once I get to Texas, but for now it is.

And I still have no idea how to send thank-you cards to the friends in TH who sent me off; they probably have no idea how much it meant to me, and here I am dying to thank them right - but will likely never mail the letters for their lack of written merit and inadequacy of conveying my thanks. Yay pathological fear of breaking social rules. I swear it keeps me up at night. But at least it's something.

And I still have no place to live in TX. That should get fixed sometime. . .

Someday I'll have the joy of taking a bus to work and have a whole hour each way to stare out the window and think like I used to. I miss having a block of completely unproductive time to fill. What's cuts even deeper is that I knew I would miss it when I was in high school, and relished taking it for granted.