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Surprisingly not induced by chemical imbalance!

So I'll share another of my random thoughts of the day:

Growing up, I had a major problem that likely is a fundamental gear in my internal processing. As a kid, I'd hear people say stuff like 'have faith', 'concentrate harder', and 'silent reading' and stuff like that. Darn jargon never made much sense, and I'd wrack my brain about what the heck they meant by that - I mean, how does one read silently? To be sure, I'm still a slow reader 'cuz I simply hear my voice in my head (yeah - emulating sound to trigger the speech translation ciruits to bridge text-to-concept). I only seem to read fast because I'm rather good at shortcutting the process in the background. And I still don't know how to concentrate - it doesn't seem to be controllable by willpower (except maybe it is?). And I've simply gotten a better definition of faith since then.

See, I lacked the prerequisite concepts to understand it, and was completely boggled until something inside clicked, and then I felt less unsettled about it. As an example, I very distinctly remember the first time I ever remembered a thought of mine; as in, I thought something, and later I remembered thinking that thought at an earlier timestamped moment, remembering the whole thought pattern with little reconstruction. I must've been 8 or so. I'm under the impression that I'm a slow learner that way; no way I can learn/make sense of anything unless I've figured it out on my own.

So what I wondered was, what makes my thinking better now? Probably just that it is simply more structured. No increase in insight, just far more precise thoughts, unbounded by a strong black-box/fuzzy logic process - thoughts and ideas are far less amorphous now. Darn near took me 15 years before I finally started to understand what 'concentrate' meant, and I still can barely figure out how to just do it on command. (I think there needs to be a potential to drive one to it, but there is a strong possiblility that such is just me impressing my experiences onto my thought process - a useful tool, but ultimately deceptive.) Perhaps I can just do it, but such brute mental force tends to sledge hammer the fine tuning of the mind and upsets all kinds of blackbox variables - too much effort in damage containment to risk on a regular basis. But it may be the next step; I just fear burning myself out - I don't want to go crazy because I ignored mental fatigue. On the other hand, I'm not actually sure one can be mentally fatigued - it may just be a way of stretching th 'ole brain muscle. But I don't know how the emulated black-box variables work, only that if I A then B will (likely) happen; understanding these relationships is a delicate tightrope act, and I greatly fear upsetting it.

See how the stuff is hard to figure out? Too much to grind through.

And before I forget: mmmm, fresh keyboard. I like the feel of the texture of the keys. Feels like how a new car smells.


I always understood read silently to mean don't whisper the words aloud under your breath.