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One shot in the dark for all to hear

Quiet times induce deep reflection for me. And it's nice and quiet here - I'm finally in control of my environment to a certain degree. I feel happier now than usual; I'm a loner at heart, that much is obvious at times like this. There's not even a social withdrawal like I expected.

One worry I have is the carefully crafted facade that I constantly generate for each individual around me. Very possibly it is now just outside of the parameters I have set for it, mostly due in part to my internal frustration at local and current views and events. I'd like to set it all straight, but I really don't feel like swinging that social sledgehammer now. But I will drop the following hammer.

Suffice it to say that I heal in times of solitude, and little by little my barriers are eroded when exposed to the elements here. Actually, let the following suffice:
There is a constant dull agony associated with it. My pain is not angst - it's deeper than that. Though due in no small part to my inability to get even a potential girlfriend (no point in that until after college - too many friends screwed up their lives by marrying with bad timing :/), a lot of it is from a constant rift in my life. I am outwardly a religious christian, inwardly a scientist. Trust me, there is no conflict here. I am very happy with this; I feel centered, calm in this respect. But I can't be happy if one side is constantly pitted against the other by biased opinions that ignore the social splash damage of their outrage, nor can I ignore the pecking barrage of belittling comments, nor the blind insensitivity of so many remarks. I mean, JWs don't even celebrate Christmas and yet I feel under attack. I can't even begin to defend my beliefs. Trust me, I try - it just gets brushed aside. I hope few ever feel that kind of intellectual insult, or at least comprehend the pain caused by their thoughtlessness.

And I wonder where or when I lost the ability to effectively defend myself. I worked rather hard to craft a situation where I could enjoy the freedom to believe without fear of flak. I even thought I had succeeded. It's not that I don't want to be challenged, far from it. I had never taken my faith nearly seriously enough until I came to college; my faith is stronger now than ever before - and with a foundation to match.
No, it's the middle school stuff, the petty, insistent and incessant drivel that your parents tell you to ignore but stings regardless; the stuff you either become desensitized to or crumble beneath. I refuse either, and so my emotional reserves slowly drain. I ran out some time ago. Sheer momentum drives me forward now, and treading these shark infested social waters is all I can do. Paralyzed so as to not offend anyone, I am resigned to bolster my defenses.

Someday I will defend myself. More than likely, though, I will bear with it until I get out of college. Let's face it, public schools and college teach you how to deal with other people - and that's invaluable. But we also have great control over our own environment in real life, and these social circles just stick us in a box and hope we don't crack or die. Sure we survive the trial by fire it presents, but I think we still need time to cool off. This time alone does it for me.

That link is the deepest look into my social black box you'll probably ever get. I talk around that box frequently, but what I give away of myself is cryptically encoded in my presentation, and thus the box is preserved. I reveal this much now because I fear I my actions and attitudes may seem inconsistent. They're not. For now, though, perhaps I will be able to meditate on what I need to do to regain happiness and productivity. First off: sleep. G'nite all.

Comments

It is my impression that we are all looking for something. Sometimes I think that all the pecking and insensitive remarks are a way of trying to understand. Think about all the people we hang out with. None of us are an open book. We all have a weird, hard shell. Mine cracked open a whole bunch last year, and I've been trying to rebuild it ever since. But none of us really know each other. I consider you guys my best friends in the world and I don't know you at all. But I trust you anyway. And I've decided to not care what people's religion is because you're all good people. And that's what matters. If a religion makes you a better person, then that's the religion you should be. And I'm sorry if I've ever made you uncomfortable about it. I never meant to.

And about the girlfriend thing, like I told a female friend of mine just yesterday, there's always hope. We have a long way to go.
Thanks!

(Anonymous)

no offense, I don't agree with your religious beliefs, but I strongly believe in you believing. Not only is it your perogative(sp?) but someone with as strong a faith who is also knowledgable is needed to help try and bridge the ever-widening gap between "educated" and "religious." There hasn't always been this problem, but I feel this dissonance is a cyclical event observable through the ages of mankind.

While most people will make random comments about girlfriends, learning how to deal with someone from a relationship standpoint is quite difficult. I'm almost certain I could not handle a real, working relationship after my previous experiences, and the same can be said for social situations since my exile from Rose-Hulman almost 2 years ago (I turtled plenty good when I was going to University at Home.) It is, however, a learnable trait. You just have to put a few skill points into it, and practice on it a little each week ;-)


Good luck healing, it'll take me a few days/weeks to recoup after being home (I get to do that at Rose, home is hardly peaceful.)

Naked Dave

(Anonymous)

dear god that's trite. Please siphon only the meaning, and don't bother with the fancy words used. ^^
Dave
Good God. Skill points?

(Anonymous)

Well, I thought it was funny...

Yes, skill points. You must invest time, knowledge, and brain power (aka, skill points) into relationships and how to create/maintain them.

The same is true for all social relationships. Learning how to read body langauge, what is couth for certain situations, etc. It's all a matter of learning and practicing.

The Davester
Trite's fine, as long as you mean it. Besides, we may joke, but the skill point thing's directly relevant - of course the skill point system is based on what we're comparing it to, so I suppose it is a bit of a backwards situation :P