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Maybe I never was burnt out - or started off as.

The search of drive.

Not what drives, but how to become driven, motivated. Perhaps that is a way of illustrating my manner of life and thought. I adapt, and so when I find a way to get motivated, it fails eventually; I am driven to find what drives me, and it recursively follows that the motivation was moved by something - and therein ought to lie the truer force. Not to be outwitted, old methods and means fail to be effective, developing an immunity. Thus the search renews, since a true motivating power never loses its potency.

In the past, simply following orders was enough. Then duty, pride, and sheer bullheadedness. Procrastination works wonders, since it always presents a challenge. That one kept me going for a long while. Years. Yet recently I find not even that is enough. Religion suffers rarely - but maybe I'm just not willing to risk that too far.

For I inevitably wonder, what drives me to fulfill the task procrastinated? Handily ignore that, and you're alright for a short while, but even in high school I knew that it would wear off eventually. Adaptation is inevitable.

I remember my sadness at the inevitability of future failure resulting from my not bothering to succeed. Depressed me enough that I suppressed the thought for a while - though the damage was done. I cut my throat intellectually somewhere mid-12th grade.

So here I revisit and analyze my choices, study the impasses crossed in the last few years; no idea where to go. I am beginning to feel like I did when I was a child - I can accomplish nothing since I lack the determination. For a period in my life, there was magic, and things happened, my goals came to fruition. But I can count on one hand the times I pursued something with vigor. I do not know how to tap that reserve - if it is a reserve.

The only pattern I see is that when I am interested in something that is a case study in something I think may not be possible, I put everything I have into defeating it. Thoroughly. With style. So I don't need to do it again - and I don't.

Perhaps the other pattern I find is that I am never self-driven; not conscientiously through my own choice. Instead, my interests meet with ideal circumstance to suddenly yield work. I am going to revisit an old role model, Richard Feynman, to see if inspiration with strive and hold again; it got me through high school.

But now I sleep, hopefully to awake a little recharged; ready to meet one of many tasks set before me. I feel lagging behind time, and it just makes me more tired and resigned. When I succeed, I feel perfectly in step with time - maybe a tick ahead. But I always lag almost imperceptibly behind the internal ticks that my mind's chronometer says is reality slipping by me. Maybe the key lies there - outrunning the beat of my own drummer.

I remember giving this thought before (I'll need to scan past LJ posts for it.) This feels like a different attack vector though.

Comments

(Anonymous)

the past

A trick I try to use is to not dwell on the past. Any of it. After I've procrastinated too far I tend to focus on that; the only time I succeed is when I'm so focused on finishing the task at hand that everything else becomes oblivious/unimportant. or something like that.

Moving over to the Theta Xi house tomorrow, I think the security guard is on to me.

Naked Dave

Re: the past

There's no small truth to that. I tend to be dt behind in my thoughts when unhappy. It's that focused mode of thought I live for, but I am always torn between distractions.

And I think the security guard knows I'm a NH, so I may be able to squat here for another two days :P

Re: the past

NH?

Re: the past

Sorry. NH - Night Host. I am hesitant to make my position obvious - but no worries, my keys do not open BSB. Seems that fluke of a time when I got into Skinner is not gonna repeat. Security can rest well knowing I'll have to break into my room to get around the doors :)